10 Ways to Successfully Communicate with your Spouse:

#1 Whatever the situation, always choose your words and your actions with love.

#2 Recognize that your spouses needs are more important than your wants. If your spouse needs it, your marriage needs it too.

#3 Replace your pride with humility.

#4 Bring your voice down. Screaming and yelling will only create more tension and frustration.

#5 Be open to seeing the situation from your spouses perspective.

#6 If you are having a hard time talking about it….don’t avoid it. Grab a pen and paper, and write out your thoughts. Give it to your spouse and pick a time to talk later.

 #7 Remember that your spouse is always more important than the situation.

#8 Always keep your lines of communication open by remaining approachable and being a great listener.

#9 Words can take seconds to say and sometimes years to heal. Choose them wisely.

#10 Remember that you are both different. That’s what makes you unique. Sometimes you will not think alike or agree with each other. And, it’s okay.

THANKSGIVING DAY CHALLENGE!! 

     Each spouse grab a piece of paper. Starting tonight, write down one thing that you are thankful for about your spouse. Do this every night until Thanksgiving Day. Be thoughtful with what you write. You can not write down anything twice. On Thanksgiving Day, roll up your paper and wrap it in a ribbon, flower, or something else meaningful. Then, take 10min out of your day, sit with each other and exchange or read to each other. Enjoy and be present in this moment with each other. Remember that this day is not all about food and being with family, but about being grateful for the things that are easily overlooked or taken for granted.

What emotional baggage have you brought into your marriage?  All of us bring some kind of emotional baggage into our marriage relationship.  When two people are joined together in marriage there is a coming together of their past, present and future lives.  Particularly, past experiences can shape who we are, how we think, how we see, and how we perceive.  In addition, how we think and feel leads to how we act, react and respond.  Now marriage issues are common, all married couples will face them, they can be predictable and most issues are relatively simple to diagnose and address.  These marriage issues are a result of the union of two lives trying to merge together and can range from personal preferences, money management sexual compatibility to dealing with in-laws.  

On the other hand, emotional baggage is unresolved issues that we carry deep in the compartments of our feelings. And that baggage is brought on board into the marriage relationship. As a result, emotional baggage can eventually cause marital problems, but it is not caused by the marriage union. This baggage can stem from past hurts, abuse, fear, low self esteem and abandonment; even from excessive sexual promiscuity to extreme strict emotional constraints. This baggage becomes unresolved issues that have never been confronted, dealt with, resolved, or released. We pack away these past experiences and if we never take the time to unpack – on board they go! Right into your marriage relationship only to weigh down the ability for your marriage to grow, fly high and remain healthy. The success of a healthy marriage strongly depends on the emotional health of the individual in the marriage.  We all have been affected by emotional baggage and it can come in different forms of intensity, but no matter what level of intensity, it becomes like a thorn imbedded in the fibers of our soul.

If you haven’t taken the time before marriage to deal with past issues, NOW is the time to empty those bags!  Understand that we live in an imperfect world with imperfect people and all have sinned and are in need of God’s grace.  It’s important to get to the place where you recognize your emotional issues and take the responsibility to deal with them.  Identify the emotional baggage, realize that there is an issue and conclude that you need help then take the next important step and share with your spouse.  Perform a self analysis, do a self assessment, admit to specific issues and seek the help you need to be free. Refuse denial, refuse fear, refuse blame, refuse shame and refuse to be the victim….accept freedom!  Choose to confess, forgive, apologize, overcome and change; which can come through God’s Word. Let truth be applied to bring about change. Finding the courage and strength to face and get rid of your emotional baggage will only enhance your ability to give and receive true love. In turn, you make steps toward building a healthy long lasting marriage relationship with your spouse.

    Marcene Sanders

    Husband and Wife for Life  –Writer/Speaker

A couple from Newark NJ has been married for three years, but they noticed that the “luster” was starting to calm down. The wife was the first to notice that her husband’s attention was focusing more on work, basketball with the guys and spending more time away from home and hanging out with his fraternity brothers.  He was not doing anything wrong or breaking any marital vows, but she became accustom to a certain level of attention.  She wondered, “What had changed”?

After discussing her concern with her husband, he said that he didn’t pay much attention to his changes.  He enjoyed playing basketball and hanging out with the fellas and didn’t think it was any big deal.  His wife assured him that this is not a problem, but wanted to discuss the frequent nights out and was wondering if he was starting to lose interest in her sex appeal. 

Her husband immediately said “no”, of course not.  He expressed that he loved her more today after three years of marriage than the day that he met her.  His love for her has grown and there is a stronger sense of security within him when it comes to knowing that this beautiful lady is his wife.  These words warmed her heart and she needed to hear this from him.  The slight change was because in his mind, everything is going well; let me do something else that I would like to do with my free time.  The concern was raised because he mistakenly did not share these thoughts with his wife.  She was not trying to control, smoother or keep her husband from enjoying other interest that he may have.  However, the communication gap was disconnected only because there were no alarming issues for him that needed to be addressed. 

His wife pointed out that she had recently visited her grandparents, who had been married for 45 years.  She asked them, in her visit, how did you guys make your marriage last so long?  Their answer to their granddaughter’s question was, “to keep the affection between each other strong”.  Show affection by giving love, kindness, warmth, security and caring for one another.  Her grandparents said that they accepted their vows with a sincere and serious heart to abide by those words that were written and spoken 45 years ago. 

The conversations between couples should always be evolving from the beginning of marriage, to the birth of your first child; to reaching midlife, towards the empty nest and retirement phases of marriage.  The stories between the two of you will be able to be rehashed with one another over the years is worth more than gold. Continue to find ways to enjoy and love on one another. 

Johnnie B. Sanders
Husband and Wife for Life Writer / Speaker

Respect is a value that we aspire to have in our lives as individuals. Whether we realize it or not, no matter the age, culture or gender, respect is a value that sits inside of us and transitions outwardly as confidence.  You must have a balance within yourself when you recognize that others respect you.  Too much flattery, without balance, can convert into high minded thinking and outwardly miss treat those people that you come in contact with.  Too little appreciation can easily turn into doubt of oneself. 

There is a strong character call “love” that fills the empty place in our lives as we interact with family members, love ones, friends and our spouses.  True love feels so good on the inside and it is easier to give love than what the amount of energy you have to muster up to hate someone or to be angry with someone.  There is a strong element that women need to feel the expression of love.  On the other spectrum, men need to feel respected.  We all need both, but I’m referring to the essence that has been instilled in us from the beginning of time.

It is very easy to point out faults and failures amongst others when things are not going well.  For any period of time being in a relationship, you will learn what pleases your mate and what will annoy them when you can’t have your way.  Husbands and wives learn their spouses’ behavior buttons over time and those buttons sometimes get pushed and feelings get hurt.  When this happens, there is a distance and discontent that come about in the marital closeness that was once there.  If prolonged without reconciliation, without an apology, resentment can form and begin to eat away at your marriage.

Pay attention to your words and be sure to remain aware of your negative, belittling and disrespectful words that you did not mean to say, but said out of anger, hurt or frustration.  When this happens, be man or woman enough to go back to your spouse and apologize for what you have said or done.  Then you rebuild again by making her feel like a queen or you make him feel like a king.  Be genuine and truthful and the trusting of their hearts will be strengthened even more than it was before.  The reverence of respect will keep you on the path of life with your spouse, which was so intended to be from the beginning. 

  Johnnie B. Sanders                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Husband and Wife for Life Writer/Speaker 

Men, we all have heard or read somewhere that we are to love our wife. Depending on our background, upbringing, culture or religion, this could mean a different delivery to our wife. What you may interpret as “loving your wife” could mean paying the bills. I on the other hand may have an idea in my head that loving my wife means doing the yard work or taking out the trash. If I’m not mistaken, that is a duty or a chore. Some may say that taking his wife to dinner or to a nice movie does show that he loves his wife. This is another form of action or performance of what love is.

Is doing “things” truly loving your wife? Don’t get me wrong, if you are doing things together with your wife, which is great and should be expected, this is a good thing. There are some couples out there who do not get the pleasure of doing romantic events or having lovely night outs with just each other.

Note: We will talk about that later.

Please know that “things” do get old and die and wrinkle and wither away. There is a progression that the marital journey does follow regardless of who you are. In this journey of love and marital bliss, there is always that element of familiarity that the love expressions become stale and men it is up to us to stay on point and recognize the signs when a tune-up is needed.

Husbands, we have to know our rightful place and authority of what has been instilled in us to love our wife and to lay our life down for her in any situation. That’s right, on earth, the buck stops with you. We are built to handle life differently than our wife. It does not matter how strong she is and how well she handles the pressures of life, women are strength. She is also a wonderful, beautiful delicate flower that should be cared for and nurtured. This does not negate her independence or individuality, our love for them allows them to freely be who they are even more. Love covers and conceals any faults and covers any infirmities and our love should build her up. Our love for our wife should always be fuel to launch her higher than she was before us.

If unsure, learn what really fuels her desires and with all power that lies within you, start working towards those desires. The key is to become so familiar with her, that loving her is like breathing; it’s a part of you and becomes second nature.

Johnnie B. Sanders
Husband and Wife for Life Writer / Speaker